I Fell Into A Dog Pit

The Apprenteek

2007-04-08T21:57:00.000-07:00

Well, I thought I had seen it all. Who can blame Trump? I mean, he needs every advantage that he can get, but come on man, only a pompous ass would assume that he could harness the power of the KFC Robot without at least one of us consulting!!!

But there it was, plain as day -

Look at these idiots! Obviously they are just Trumps mindless robots, doing his evil bidding, but they have no idea what kind of power they are messing with!

Fortunately, the three hopeful game-show contestants were unworthy and unable to raise the great Bot.

(Darin, in case you were wondering, that green bar across the bottom is from Tivo, one day we can get together and Ill tell you about it.)

2007-03-30T08:43:00.000-07:00

don't you remember? he's that gay hotel owning hairstylist from spokane.

Dolphins

2007-03-29T15:09:00.000-07:00

Scott,

Who is George?

Love,
darin

2007-03-23T17:17:00.000-07:00

that's hard logic to argue with.

Ownership of the Dolphin is My Destiny

2007-03-23T16:12:00.000-07:00

My cherished Scott,

Let me be clear. Darin is gay. He kisses boys. All the time. Knowing this, it makes absolutely no sense to give him that sleek, flesh-coloured, rainbow-riding, cetacean tribute to platonic friendship between three male friends. Plainly the dolphin should be mine.

Love,

George

sharpen your pen, uh computer keys...uh...write good stuff

2007-03-13T20:41:00.000-07:00

Dearest George and Darin, on this the occasion of my 34th birthday, I have decided to give something back. That's right, this beautiful pink, very gay dolphin you see before you will soon belong to one of you lucky gentlemen. In 200 words or less, let me know (on this blog) why you are/have been the better friend to me through the years. Points will not be deducted for the amount of physical miles between us, (I'm looking at you g-Mitchell.)

and if you are wondering, you bet your ass I made this. At color me mine, and yes, it took more than 2 hours.

Photo Opportunity

2007-03-12T14:07:00.000-07:00

For My My Wayward Amigo George

2007-03-09T12:27:00.000-08:00

Here are some Directions for you for when you change your mind.

See you soon.

Total Est. Time: 10 hours, 49 minutes Total Est. Distance: 764.66 miles

2007-03-07T00:19:00.000-08:00

2007-03-07T00:15:00.001-08:00

A Sad, Sad, Story

2007-03-06T16:32:00.000-08:00

2007-03-06T16:25:00.000-08:00

dude

2007-03-06T16:21:00.000-08:00

dude

2007-03-06T13:55:00.000-08:00

I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends

2007-03-06T13:40:00.000-08:00

George, I found a couple of Job opportunities around town that I thought you might be interested in. Some of these look like they could be a pretty promising future. Good luck friend!

Job Opportunities For George

2007-03-05T22:39:00.000-08:00

2007-02-28T12:25:00.000-08:00

I think George might have forgotten this in California.

darin is a fag

2006-06-12T23:58:00.000-07:00

he is. i swear. just ask george. who is also a fag.

2006-03-23T20:27:00.000-08:00

george had salt all over the back of his trailer and he wont admit it.

2006-03-07T09:42:00.000-08:00

This kid is....

2006-02-13T14:36:00.000-08:00

...SO SCREWED.

Check Out The New Link

2006-02-08T15:37:00.000-08:00

Dear Readers,

We have posted a new link!! Under the links coloumn click on the "Art" link and please take some time to explore the beautifuly inspired collection from Johanna Pieterman. Her website exposes us to her art with the following intro:

"Welcome to Johanna's Art Inspired by Stevie Nicks! As a fan of Stevie for over 20 years I have created many fantasy portraits of Stevie in magical settings that you may enjoy. These pieces are here for your viewing pleasure or you can take it one step further and order a print of a b/w or colour image. I also have a downloads section where desktop wallpaper and Outlook Express stationery can be found, or if you have a few spare minutes, you can also solve a puzzle."

"Doesn't solving a puzzle sound magical?!!"

Thank you for taking the time to explore this fantastic website. If you look close enough you may find a dolphin swimming in Stevies hair.

Love,

Sabbomatic 5000
(Always Kentucky Fried)

p.s. Now you can express your love for America and Stevie Nicks with a beautiful print.

Minnesota Bad Boys

2006-02-08T15:30:00.000-08:00

Click on this image and enlarge to enjoy. Thank you Cory and Dusten for you fine homework.

The Lost Books of Chuck Norris

2006-01-21T11:14:00.000-08:00

We have aquired some scrolls of Papyrus containing what we believe to be the Lost Books of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not go hunting because "hunting" implies a chance of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a royal flush.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Pokemon Master!

2006-01-13T09:57:00.000-08:00

KFVarsity's next artist that we absolutely must sign.

2006-01-08T08:13:00.000-08:00

hey sugar

a little somethin for the ladies

2006-01-05T12:41:00.000-08:00

beware

2005-12-19T09:11:00.000-08:00

push

Madonna-One of the Greatest Artists of Our Time

2005-12-14T08:50:00.000-08:00

Madonna - Actual Lyrics to 'I love New York' of her latest album

I don't like cities
But I like New York
Other places
make me feel like a dork

Los Angeles is for
people who sleep
Paris and London
Baby you can keep

Other cities always make me mad
Other places always make me sad
No other city ever made glad except like New York
I love New York
I love New York
I love New York

If you don't like my attitude
Then you can F off.
Just go to Texas
Isn't there where they golf?

New York is not for little pussies who scream
If you can't stand the heat
Then get off my street

Get off my street

Other cities always make me mad
Other places always make me sad
No other city ever made me glad except New York
I love New York
I love New York
I love New York

I love New York/Get off my street

2005-12-01T20:28:00.000-08:00

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

2005-12-01T14:26:00.000-08:00

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't f___ with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that Lance Armstrong.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back.
He always makes it to Oregon before you.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Extra Extra

2005-11-30T07:28:00.000-08:00

Skor Bars are Good

Delicious Milk Chocolate/Crisp Butter Toffee

slow slow slow

2005-11-19T08:48:00.000-08:00

this blog is really slowing down. i'm sorry, i've done what i could.

if you would like to see more posts here, please call these numbers and plead your case:

DCuts - 801-362-1299
GMobile - 949-689-9122

Please, for all our sakes, do it soon.

2005-11-13T12:19:00.000-08:00

eek eek

2005-11-08T19:58:00.000-08:00

please click

186

2005-11-06T22:07:00.000-08:00

trying to figure out what kind of bass player you are? here's a simple quiz that will help... (you will need to know the following)

a. how many strings on your bass?

b. how high do you wear your bass?

c. how many speakers in your rig?

ok, here's how to figure out where you stand. take the number of strings, multiply it by the number of speakers. now, if you have arrived at a number less than or equal to 32, you are most likely a pretty hip bass player. extra cool if you are right on 32, or if your final number is 4.

on the other hand, if you ended up with 186, like the fine gentlemen pictured above, then you my friend, are a douchebag. frankly, anything above 32, makes you pretty suspect. (unless you are carrying around 2-ampeg 8x10's, resulting in a final number of 64.)

Either way, you are automatically elevated to douchebag status if your speakers are silver, and your bass is worn well above your waist.*

i'm lookin at you Will Lee

*not applicable to Jon Entwistle

Fluff On The Rocks

2005-10-29T01:02:00.000-07:00

So Im working on an album, and the songs were ok, but the singer just wasnt cutting it.

We were worried, what should we do? That was until Mr Neil Diamond showed up.

2005-10-21T16:25:00.000-07:00

2005-10-03T12:24:00.000-07:00

Drumair

2005-10-03T10:36:00.000-07:00

Surf King indeed

2005-09-28T23:00:00.000-07:00

right...uh.....hmmm, so...surfing-difficult at best, playing guitar-difficult, certainly staying in the tube while surfing seems to be a real good trick. so, yeah, uh...

also, this guy appears to be bone dry...and at least 8 feet taller than the, (one can only imagine), normal sized surfer shredding behind him.

so all that seems left to say is God Bless Jimmy Luttrell and his Heaven sent ability to shred on the guitar, while surfing, in the tube mind you, on a shark and shreding some licks on his Parker Fly guitar.

now I suppose it should be said, that the dual shred nature of this photo, while amazing, should not come as a surprise.

first, any 15 foot man who has the speed to catch a shark, mount it, and maneuver it into a healthy sized pipe, all while remaining dry in street clothes, wayfarers and with a marked absence of swim fins, is a shredder, and therefore, only shreds.

second, can you even play a Parker Fly without shredding?

i guess maybe if you were just using the piezo...

Swedes in the Kitchen (Over by the Stove)

2005-09-22T22:36:00.000-07:00

This is an old one, but I never get tired of the spectacle:

BUTTERED ROLLS

These people are pushing the boundaries of society's closed minded views about percusssion.

Plus, we are not supposed to mess with Sweden on account of their highly trained Guitarmed Forces. Darin said so.

Uhhhh?

2005-09-18T08:23:00.000-07:00

Def Leppard could only dream of having uniforms like these.

Domo arigato to Craig for not letting this go unnoticed.

CARLOS GUITARLOS ??!?!?!!?

2005-09-08T17:06:00.000-07:00

So... I don't really listen to his music, but the fact that he exists just warms my soul:

Carlos Guitarlos

Special thanks to our pal Paul for bringing this to our attention. Thanks Paul. I mean it.

'Kin A! I found a favorite new word!

2005-09-07T08:42:00.000-07:00

yep, well i was reading another blog today and I found a new favorite word, shload! as in, "People at the BYU food court eat bananas by the shload."

thank you Jolly Porter, thank you.

The Saga Continues

2005-09-06T18:34:00.000-07:00

You may have already seen this but it is all too increadible to skip.

The only thig better than the video is LIVE DRAMA.

Chapter6

p.s. Don't forget to lip sync R.

Long Live the Rawker!

2005-09-02T10:58:00.001-07:00

This guy leaves me speechless. Watch the video for yourself: Whole Lotta Love

Ha Ha Ha . . . . get it?

2005-08-30T01:11:00.000-07:00

2005-08-29T14:19:00.000-07:00

is it big phat-ass guitar? like, 'hey, that guitar is such a fat-ass!'

or is it, big phat, ass-guitar? like, ' that ass-guitar you are playing is big and phat!'

hell yeah.

2005-08-26T07:54:00.000-07:00

Can I Get A Hell Yea!!

2005-08-25T13:42:00.000-07:00

Who wants to go halfsies on one of these bad boys. I wonder if it is Sabbath friendly?

Don't Mess With Sweden

2005-08-24T20:56:00.000-07:00

Swedish foreign policy is based on the premise that national security is best served by staying free of alliances in peacetime in order to remain neutral in the event of war. In 2002, Sweden revised its security doctrine. The security doctrine still states that "Sweden pursues a policy of non-participation in military alliances," but permits cooperation in response to threats against peace and security.

Sweden has, like most other countries, three branches of the guitarmed forces:
• CittrArmén – The GuitArmy
• Marinen – The Marine
• CittraFlygvapnet – The GuitAir Force

An unofficial 4th branch would be the Cittralicopter Forces.
"Marinen" (The Marine) is a jointly term for the Cittravy and the CittrAmphibious Corps in Sweden.

At the head of the Swedish Guitarmed forces is Löjtnant Yngwie Malmsteen.

In order to maintain peace and “shred” any opponents Löjtnant Malmsteen maintains a clean and powerful guitarsenal.

Listed below are the preffered W.M.G.'s (Weapons of Mass Guitstruction) in the Sweedish Guitarmory.

1. deFender Battle Axe.

Specialty: Face Melting Solos.

Strings: 6

Special Features: Whammy Bar

2. Double Barrel

Specialty: Versatility and Stairway To Heaven Like Its Ment To Be Played

Strings: 6 or 12. 18 for the trained Soldier

Special Features: It's Just Like Having Two Guitars Fool.

3. RickenBazookar

Specialty: Break out the Heavy Guitartillary.

Strings: 4

Special Features: Strap

4. Drums

Specialty: Drum Solos

Strings: 0 Kick Drums: 2

Special Features: China Cymbal

Guitammunition:

2005-08-24T15:32:00.000-07:00

A Pictoral Guide

2005-08-23T01:50:00.000-07:00

These images were obtained through the use of Google's image search engine.

Search for: Guitarmy

Yield:

ok, this could hardly be considered a GUITARMY. This measely rag-tag bunch of rat puke is no more than a helpless platoon, or, at best, light infantry.

Search for: GuitAirForce

Yield:

ok ladies, now we're getting somewhere. yes, that is Guitargeant Vai of the 101st Jem Division. You are correct in your assertion that he is not armed with his standard issue black seven string. Were he not such a decorated soldier, he could face Chord Marshal for being without his trusty, mother-of-pearl, vine-laden, handle carved, fireaxe.

What?!?!?

I'm not sure I heard you correctly??!

Who is that hoodlum standing next to Guitargeant Vai?!?!?!?!?

Drop and give me twenty you maggot!!!!!

For the rest of you GIRLS who arent aware, that is Commander in Chief of the Guitarmed forces, General Satriani!!!

Guitarmy

2005-08-22T10:55:00.000-07:00

The Guitarmy is the original arsenal of guitars which were immortalized in some newspaper interview referring to Scott's "army of guitars." That language was not nearly efficient enough for us. Since the word guitar just happens to share two letters with the word army, we felt that "Guitarmy" was a much better way to describe the vast numbers of guitars waiting in a tense state of constant readiness to serve, protect, and defend - yes even with their very lives - their commander in chief.

Those were innocent times. Since then, Scott and George's disease has exploded to obscene levels of gear acquisition. It recently became all too clear to us that a Guitarmy alone was not enough to defend the beloved homeland. The logic is simple -- if there can be an army of guitars, then why not a navy or an air force? Well let me tell you something: there is a navy and an air force of guitars, or better put, a Guitavy and a Guitair Force. This obviously left our minds travailing at a feverish rate to somehow come up with a textual mashup of the words guitar and marines. Let me tell you something else: all possibilities for creating such an awesome word have been thoroughly exhausted, and all of them fail to satisfactorily evoke the right blend of 6-string-shredding and elite military forces. Not willing to sacrifice our high standards of retarded humor, we decided to stick with just regular marines instead of some forced guitar/marines hybrid. Someone's got to be there to play all the guitars.

2005-08-21T14:53:00.000-07:00

GUITARMY, GUITAVY, GUITAIR FORCE, MARINES!!!

2005-08-19T01:05:00.000-07:00

the portal has opened.